I Inadvertently witnessed the most horrible heart break
The other day after the chores were finished, and the kids were put to bed I brewed myself a cup of my favorite tea, took a steamy hot shower and then slipped into my favorite pink robe. You would think the next step would have been to play some light jazz, perhaps light a candle and maybe read a book to help me settle down for the night.
Typically that would have been the case, but on this particular night I chose to open the most popular app on the planet…. Tik Tok.. Or as I like to playfully call it…. Tik Toxic.
I'd convinced myself that I was only logging in for a moment, just to see how my virtual friends were doing, and that’s it.
I'm sure you can guess what happened next… 2 minutes turned into 30, and 30 into an hour. I'd fallen into to the trap that is Tik Tok.
It didn't take me long to land on a live being hosted by a young woman whom I'd never seen before. To be honest, joining lives are not my thing. I never find them to be interesting, but this night was a different story.
I was quickly drawn in by this beautiful young woman with tears of black mascara running down her face. She was frantically trying to get in touch with her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend had jumped on a flight and flown to Florida to hop into bed with another woman.
This young lady was understandably upset… but upset is an understatement.
To make matters worse. The affair partner, was trolling the young woman by sending videos of the two of them in bed.
I'm usually not one for other peoples drama, but admittedly, I was drawn in. I sipped my tea cozied up into my robe and watched the drama unfold.
This wasn't like the drama I'd read in my favorite novels, it wasn't like the tea your bestie gives you about what's going in her relationships, and this wasn't even like gramma's favorite soap opera.
This was raw, unfiltered and real life shattering drama.
This young woman had seemingly lost her mind. She'd admitted to drinking a bottle of wine, her grandmother had passed just a week or 2 prior and a toxic and abusive ex boyfriend of hers was harassing her and trying to finagle his way back into her life… and then the unimaginable… the love her life, her self proclaimed savior, the one person who was her safe space, her rock, her hope for peace and true love…. was in bed making love to another woman.
I felt her pain. I felt it deep within me, I understood her. What I didn't understand was her irrational way of handling it.
40 minutes into the drama, and 3,500 viewers later the theatrics reached a peak. The alcohol had clearly caught up to her but it was no match to the rage that came over her.
This young woman went insane. She literally but a hit out on this guy on live Tik Tok! She gave out his address, and the address of the affair partner. She gave out his social security number, and showed rather graphic photos of herself.
The tactics she used in her pain are more than I can get into here… you'll just have to believe me when I tell you that it was bad… it was really bad. It was in fact one of the most shocking things I'd ever witnessed. That was just about a week ago and it's still sitting with me.
Needless to say, Tik Tok banned her page and forbade her from going live, but after a few days she was back to posting.
Sad to say she had not let up on the harassment of her ex-boyfriend. Matter of fact, her manipulation tactics intensified. He remained in Florida (of course) with the lover, while his scorned and heart broken ex girlfriend continued to try every tactic in the book to get him to come to her.
It got me to thinking….
How should a woman handle a bad break up? How far, if at all should she go to win back the love of her life? Should she chase him and make him realize what he's losing? Should she fight for her love?
I think NOT!
My name is Chay Molina the reigning Mrs. Orange County. I am vying for the Mrs. Florida crown, and this is The Lavender Life 6 1 3 where we discuss wellness, romance, and motherhood.
And today I want to share with you some of the realist advice on how to handle a bad break up without losing your femininity and grace.
It's true that I've been in my current relationship for the past 21 years, but that doesn't mean I don’t have first hand experience with the topic at hand.
The tips that I'm going to give you today are based on faith, psychology but most importantly anecdotal experience. And before you can say, "but Chay, you've been with Mario since you were 15, what could you possibly know about a bad break up?"
Girl let me tell you the tea. There was a time in my life where Mario and I were apart, but together for the kids, and yes it was 100% his doing and not mine.
Was I hurt? Immensely.
Was I heart broken? Without a doubt.
Did I feel like the world would end? For sure?
But I got through it with grace and my femininity in tact.
So, without further ado, here are my
6 best tips on how to get through an unwanted break up without losing your femininity
1. Focus on yourself and not the relationship
After a bad breakup women tend to focus on the relationship wondering where they went wrong, what they could have done better, how they didn’t see it coming and worst of all if they can fix it and make themselves better so the man can love her. You can not change a man, or the relationship. True femininity is realizing you have no control over this but rather you only have control over yourself and your own actions.
Take this opportunity to practice optimum self-care. Get active, but don't do it to make him jealous or to attract another man. Those are all the wrong reasons, but to do it for your mental health. Break ups can be rough on the mind which makes it rough on the body. Being active will promote your mind to be more clear which leads to better problem solving skills, a happier disposition, a better appetite and better sleep all of which are vital when recovering from a broken heart.
Nurture yourself and those in your charge (children, pets, plants, younger women, widows, the elderly).
Pamper yourself and those around you. Don’t neglect your self. Baby yourself.
2. Find an activity that you enjoy
Reconnect with something you used to love but let go of to focus on the relationship. For me this was my love for reading and yoga. Alternatively you can discover something new. After a break up is the perfect time to try out a new hobby. This will keep you busy, give you something to look forward to and perhaps lead you to meet new people.
3. Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling
One of the defining characteristics of true femininity is emotions. Women are emotional, and it's healthy and natural to be in touch with that. Society tells us that woman should be more like men by controlling their emotions, keeping them pent up and suppressing them.
That is bad advice.
Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. Feeling your emotions allow you fully process them and learn from them. However, it's important to note that all women should strive to process her feelings in a healthy way. Keep a diary, talk with a trusted counselor or clergy member, or try prayer (which works for me every time).
4. Keep a diary
Keeping a diary is one of the healthiest and simplest ways to process your emotions. It also helps you navigate your path to healing, make plans and practice gratitude.
One of the best things about keeping a diary is that it allow you to look back on how far you've come, especially on those bad days.
Keeping a diary also lets you see things for what they really are. Its so easy to put on rose colored lenses and romanticize people and situations while we are heart broken. A diary helps to put everything into perspective, while fostering growth, confidence and healing.
5. Let it go
This may be the hardest to accomplish, but is by far the most important.
After a bad break up, it is imperative to simply let go. But, as women we tend to know better what's good for people. This can be accredited to womens natural empathy. Even if you know that what you have to offer this man is better for him, let him go. Even if you know he's making a mistake let him go. It is not feminine for a woman to lead and teach a man, even if the woman sees the mistakes being made she has to let that man learn on his own. Most men do not appreciate a woman teaching him and telling him what's what. This will ultimately make him resent her, especially if she's right. Practice humility and let him walk away.
A healthy woman does not hold onto a relationship that is bad for her. When a man walks away, let him go. True Femininity is graceful, not combative, therefor do not put up a fight. Do not chase. Women should never chase men. True femininity receives, where as masculinity gives. Do not lose your femininty to chase after a man who does not want to be in a relationship with you.
When a man walks away, let him go.
6. Seek Peace
True femininity fosters peace. Find your peace by practicing gratitude. Every relationship romantic or not has lessons within it. Be thankful for those lessons learned. Apply them to your growth and move forward with hope and peace in your heart.
Do not look back, it does absolutely nothing for you. Looking backwards is good for nothing more than torturing one self. Look forward and be optimistic that things will work out well, because I promise you with grace hope and true love for yourself and others, it will work out beautifully.
You just have to find peace and trust the process.
How will you allow it affect you?
It's true that the things we experience in our lives have the ability to shape us. But, it's up to us to determine and decide in which ways we will allow life to influence our behavior.
Undesired breakups can be devastating, but they are also the perfect opportunity to express true femininity and allow our most natural selves to take care of us. Women were created in a way that allows us to take what a man gives us (whether it be good or bad) and transform it into something beautiful. That is our true essence and our true nature.